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Depression / Loneliness

Depression / Loneliness
18 Oct 2010 02:58:35

I've been trying to hide it for a while but I suffer from depression and loneliness I've always found a way to deal with it but recently it has gotten so bad I don't know how to deal with it anymore. My sadness has been unbearable the last couple of days and I don't know what I should (or can) do about it.

I've even been having thoughts of suicide but I don't think I could ever do something like that to myself.

I don't have many friends (I don't have any where I live at the moment), I've never had a girlfriend (or a regular friend who was a girl), I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words and I have no self confidence/ self esteem.

I don't know if any of you can help me but I'm glad I managed have the courage to tell somebody how I feel right now.
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dark_ogamiya (Russia)
17 Oct 2010, 20:41:52
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It's very bad :(
May be you should change your university? When I entered to university, I didn't know anybody. And now I have many friends :)
mu597 (USA)
18 Oct 2010, 12:43:43
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I've actually finished college but I didn't make many friends when i was there.
usagi_joou
usagi_joou (Russia)
18 Oct 2010, 02:09:47
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Sharing is very important. I also think it is very brave of you to tell someone (us) about it. Maybe (I really hope so!) it will be a first step to overcome this situation.

I hope you won't mind if I share my thoughts with you. I don't intend to lecture you or something, but I myself had periods in my life when I felt the same (particularly when I was 20 and 21).
I've been in university at the time. I had many acquaintances, but I guess I had no real friends. And, same as you, I had no boyfriend, and god knows how frustrating it was! It seemed like life was going on, and I was just sitting on a substitutes' bench watching it passing by (it seems trivial, but that was exactly what I felt).

I tried very hard to change my situation, but the harder I tried the more I seemed to fail. People (especially boys) treated me like a nuisance, I guess they felt my expectations and they just didn't want to be my crying towel. I've gone through unrequited love, it took 1,5 years of my life, it just ate it. I've been really depressed, I mean physically, with asthenia and sleepiness and all those things.

One thing I realized through this experience: it is all about me. I shouldn't place my dreams, expectations and life in other people, friends or lovers. I needed to work with myself.

So first I tried to do something with my body, this physical thing. I had some lite medicine, not real anti-depressants, but some herbal pills to ease my depression (we have them on our market, I hope in USA you can get them too). Then I started practicing yoga a little. It made a difference.

Then I started "doing something" with my mind. I read books, psychological and religious (I'm not particularly religious myself, and when I say religious I mean different religions - Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist) and tried to follow some recommendations I seemed proper for me. I can remember one thing from a Jewish book: it said that all hardships we're going through is not the end or some punishment, but rather an ordeal to make us stronger and more mature.

I loved this conception, it made all my suicidal thoughts go away.

And finally, I tried to be creative, to turn my angst and grieve is something material. I started blogging anonymously, making my depression into something poetic and interesting for people out there. I wrote 2 songs (I'm not a musician, I just sang to myself, making melody and lyrics in process). I drew pictures anime-style (someday I'll share them here:), made some hand-made things to give to my relatives. Anything is good if it is creative.

It gave me a feeling that my condition is not boiling inside me and killing me, but goes out in the world and transformes in something good. This creative thing helped me to find friends that were not afraid of me being too much attached to them.

Meanwhile I graduated and found my first job. My circle changed, and it was good for me. After that there were a few more rounds of depression, because of the job that didn't suit me and other problems, but it was never so hard again.

Well, here is my story. I really hope it will help you somehow, or maybe you'll just find it entertaining^__^ I wish I could talk to you in person^^, and share more with you.

Sorry, if I went sentimental. I hope you'll overcome your depression and your loneliness.
I'm too old for this shit, ain't I?
mu597 (USA)
18 Oct 2010, 12:45:54
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Thanks for sharing! I think I will try to get a job and see what happens.
mu597 (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 08:19:51
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Now thinking about getting a job is making me really nervous. But your post inspired me and now I'm trying to take the first steps to try to improve my situation. so thanks again!
usagi_joou
usagi_joou (Russia)
19 Oct 2010, 11:31:20
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I'm really happy to hear that!^___^ (I wrote that post on a whim, and when I saw it posted I became a little embarrassed, because it was too long and personal etc. But your reply gave me a feeling it's okay^___^)

Changes are risky, but doing something is always better that doing nothing! Good luck with finding a good, suitable and interesting job!
I'm too old for this shit, ain't I?
riraito (Russia)
18 Oct 2010, 07:51:01
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I also can say that I don't like my life, it's very ugly & before one moment was meaningless. Now I have two fact that allow me to exist.
First: I keep in mind that my condition a hundred times worse than those who do not even have a roof over their head. It make me stronger and gradually led me to the second: A man must have THE GOAL. Right, with big letters. Must constantly for something aspire, otherwise life will become a "ticking clock."

Sorry for my engrish, I hope I will not remain misunderstood.
riraito (Russia)
18 Oct 2010, 11:10:16
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*a hundred times better*, of course.
mu597 (USA)
18 Oct 2010, 12:47:28
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I knew what you meant and thanks for the advice!
Vallefor
Vallefor (Russia)
18 Oct 2010, 11:00:08
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Eh... It's really hard to advise something...

I think that you need to find something to draw you away from these thoughts, because if you will continue think about it - nothing will change :(
Huh.. I remember time when because of it I started my CISCO courses. It was really interesting and hard to understand... And all material was in English (like all tests and final exam :P). So.. In the end I didn't even try to pass the final exam :)

I hope you'll be fine!

Это проверочка

mu597 (USA)
18 Oct 2010, 12:51:07
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I'm trying to do that but it backfired on me when I watched Hanamaru Youchien witch actually made me more depressed!
KururuSouchou (USA)
18 Oct 2010, 15:33:33
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Eh, I feel for ya, man. I've been through depression, too, and it really is horrible. But I've found that there are a bunch of little tricks that helped me, and might (hopefully) help you get through each day a little bit easier.

First off, focus on what makes you happy. No need to make yourself society's bitch and limit yourself just because you think others will look down on you. You want to have posters in your room? Go ahead. Want to listen to anime EDs/OPs in the car? It's your life, do what makes you happy. You aren't hurting anyone, so nobody has the right to stop you.

Second, laughter really is a wonderful medicine. Take some time each day (even if it's just 20 minutes or so) to do something that makes you laugh - read a funny book, watch a goofy movie, watching silly videos on the Internet, making and photographic silly toy scenes, whatever you find funny. Personally, I enjoy watching old tokusatsu and taking in the sheer silliness of it all, but I digress.

Also, trust me, girlfriends aren't all they're cracked up to be. It's mostly just unnecessary drama. If you want companionship, I recommend a dog or a cat - animals work wonders to soothe the spirit.

Anyway, I hope this at least helped a tiny bit (or at the very least, I hope you found my Maru redub amusing).
HONK HONK~
mu597 (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 08:32:49
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That video did cheer me up a bit!

As for pets they do help but also annoy me.
KururuSouchou (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 10:52:48
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Each to their own, I suppose. I've found that reptiles are really laid-back - low-maintenance, zero noise, and many snakes and turtles are surprisingly friendly.
HONK HONK~
Glory
Glory (Russia)
19 Oct 2010, 06:08:45
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Sad news, but don't give up, Mu! You're not alone :) Everyone seems to have depressions from time to time. Maybe you could deal with it using Deepak Chopra's methods of overcoming difficulties?
Today I shall judge nothing that occurs.
mu597 (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 08:34:15
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Thanks! I'll look that up.
Eiji
Eiji (Singapore)
19 Oct 2010, 07:30:15
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How can watching hanamaru youchien make you more depress?hiiragi is so cute.
mu597 (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 08:37:13
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The relationships between the older characters just ended up making me feel lonely.
Eld
Eld (Canada)
19 Oct 2010, 07:55:26
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Depression is, in the end, a state of your mind. So it's a matter of changing your state of mind. What I'm going to say from this point on isn't actually going to provide you with specific solution, but it's something you can use to compartmentalize your mind so that you can sort of look at your issue from a detached point of view.

Identifying what's causing your depression can be important, and at the same time worsen your depression because there might be nothing you can do about it. However, you will need to identify it so that you yourself understand the root cause of your depression. It does seem like you have the basic idea of what's causing your depression, so that's taken care of.

Once you've identified the cause, you could, or could not act upon to remedy that. Obviously if you can remedy your issue with the force of your will and action, then that's all well and good. In addition, you'd have gained tons of confidence by achieving a goal that got rid of your depression.

On the other hand, if you didn't act upon to remedy it, it could be because you're afraid to act, or the situation that caused your depression is impossible to remedy in the first place. Several solutions exist in this case.

You can trivialize the issue by mentally giving weight to other matters. Working, gaming, blogging (writing about other things), reading, collecting, improving oneself (physically or mentally) are all good ways to trivialize your main cause of depression by focusing on other aspects of your life. Note that you run into issues here because you feel that your performance is worse due to your depression, which could be true, or not. Up to how your mind decides to handle it. You can also classify this as an act of distracting oneself away from the issue by keeping one's mind busy with other stuff.

You can also try to find others similar to yourself and take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in the world with the same problem. This is statistically true - it's much more unlikely to find someone completely unique and different from you than to find someone similar to yourself. Hence, take solace in the fact that many will go through what you'd go through, and comes out just fine.

You can also attempt to achieve something. Something attainable (but not easily). The idea here is that showing yourself capable of achieving something would raise your worth to yourself. Similar to the first suggestion, but slightly different in that this time you have a very specific goal that you're trying to achieve.


So, moving away from the rhetorics and high horses, I suggest watching piece of life animes, but nothing resembling your situation. I suggest ARIA series, if you haven't done so already. :)
Nessuno può emendarsi dal peccato che scorre nelle vene
No one can escape the sin that flows in their veins
mu597 (USA)
19 Oct 2010, 08:57:57
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Thanks for the advice! I'm thinking about getting a job (Witch is something I've always been nervous about but I probably should do it anyway, and I think I'll probably try making more figure reviews to take my mind off of my depression.

Also I think I will look up that anime.

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